There wasn't anything after that ? No offense, OP, but you might be overreacting. It seems like divorcing before trying to fix it would be too quick of a decision. And for what its worth, its one thing for my wife to chat with her friends about my various shortcomings, which are numerous, believe me. Most people in this thread have probably not been alive for 20 years. Your relationship is not over and it never will be. When I was single, I nearly settled for a few exes (due to family pressure). You have every right to be upset about that. Personally, I would never be able to connect to my spouse on the level required to make a relationship work after hearing that. I want to ride my motorcycle again. She should have said "chose you" instead of "settled for you" but I dont think shes trying to be malicious and it's crazy to throw away 20 years for that. "I cannot see anyone staying settled for 20 years". And lack of sex can feel so rejecting that I understand any of this strongly negative emotions surrounding your response to this. She may have been comparing the heat/passion of your relationships in an unfiltered way to her friend. From what Ive been told by friends and family my wife and Tom had a hot and cold volatile relationship and he was not the best to her (cheating, controlling). FWIW it sounds like he isn't just reacting, more like her words caused a moment of clarity and for him, all that's left to do is follow through. It sounds like shes having one of those moments of "what if" mid life crisis. Talking about a past lover like that isnt just something you dont mean. I agree that maybe ending 20 years for a comment may be an overreaction, but its also devastating that she would, for the sake of making a friend feel better (theoretically) throw her husband under the bus ~ that doesnt show much in the way of respect for your partner. She actively chose him every day for 20 years and 2 kids. That comment is just plain insulting, especially overhearing it. Everyone still responding to this dumb post as if OP hasn't had their account suspended. Relationship advice from neckbeards is the best kind advice. Dont do anything youll regret. So you can get more stable and figure out whats happening. Now he's making it sound like this is the only reason he wants to divorce. You aren't someone's safe boring second option. She just didn't think she would get caught. Like saying you settled for your husband and wish your ex had been serious. But now that your kids are grown-up, you should leave her if she's gonna be like that. If she's talking about the ex like that, OP is not the one she wants to be with and OP should leave. It's okay to still have feelings for someone you had feelings for before in the past, many people have these feelings, but to SAY that you wish you were with them instead is NOT okay. My aunt was in a similar boat (though a bit younger). He will feel like he is not enough. I didnt have a family of my own and I guess I was hoping I could be a part of my wifes family. And yet OP is the one who is bored? Hmm the wife is saying she settled for OP.. that doesnt sound like she is happy. I was at the bus stop when an old couple sat beside me. But just about everyone will feel it at some point, and those little depressive doubts can scream pretty loud if you're not used to shutting them up. If she was fantasizing about Ted and then wrapped it up saying that she was happy where she was I think it would have been fine, but she wraps up saying she settled. I love this so much and will keep it in mind! You were clearly waiting for something. And I don't know what to do". It's not just an isolated incident if it's adeep set insecurity. You deserve to be someone's #1! If she's having a midlife crisis and they're about the same age, then it's possible he's having a midlife crisis as well, and what's going on is both of their crises are intersecting without being acknowledged, recognized, or dealt with. There is more there and I think OP is just using it as a way out. Plus, what would motivate her to say those things and what would motivate OP to jump to divorce so quickly? She was bored and miserable and unhappy and confided in friends. However, if everybody got divorced anytime a spouse said something mean, nobody would stay married for more than a few months. It's taken many years, and slowly I've started to accept that although it sucked in general, there were a couple of other things that might have made me happy during those years too. This sub loves to hate on a man standing up for themselves. A midlife crisis sounds entirely plausible. Sad situation. Everyone settles, people just dont say it out loud. Stay strong and make the best decision you can in this sort of situation. He has a point in not wanting to be with someone who settled for him, but at the same time I would count to 10 before doing anything drastic and permanent like a divorce. It's the things you say behind closed doors that define who you are. Though if other confiding in a friend the take away is I am having an identity criss and I feel unhappy with my life its important to then share that with your partner and see if thats something you can work on as a team or not. Wondering "what if?" I tried therapy for myself and for us as a couple. It implies you werent who they truly wanted, youre not really making them happy, and youre always being compared against someone else. I think the vast majority of people have said something to a friend that they didn't really mean. Shes a natural; everyone loves her. If that is the case and he no longer believes her, why stay and potentially being miserable? Okay so if she says its not what you think, what is her explanation? Do you understand what "literally" means? Best of luck OP. I want to be with someone who puts me first. Id imagine OP and his wife are transitioning into new ways of viewing themselves (no longer primary caregivers for their kiddos). I find it hard to believe you would be considering divorce if this was a fairy tale marriage and she was the perfect wife up to this point. Every year you're in a relationship it becomes harder and harder to leave it. (I know these are broad generalizations and they dont apply to everyone, but we have tropes for a reason). sounds like she still hasnt gotten over being rejected by the other guy, and is with her husband for the stability guy #1 couldnt give her. OP has every right to feel this way. Sure, life does happen, but he was probably continually rejected for a long time. Except people say stupid shit when they are emotionally vulnerable, or exaggerate how they are feeling with close friends. But what I struggled to accept was that i was brainwashed for 20 years and living my life based on a lie. 20 years married, two kids, and one minor comment is enough to make you bolt? Its like she said youre a trophy husband to his face then said yeah, a participation trophy to her friends. If that were me I would have said the same thing as OP did. I completely agree with this. Fantasizing is something most people do from time to time. Yeah I doubt were getting the whole picture. That it is unhealthy to compare the person you are with with an ideal mate that you are not with. Yup. Like wondering what it would have been like if you had been born an entirely different human? If OP had put more info in the main post I think reactions would be different. I think a lot of people may have had love interests in the past with which they could not make it for whatever reason, it's really not a big deal. I overheard my wife talking to one of her best friends on the phone while I was passing the bedroom. Time will help you get a better perspective. However those few words revealed so much more. Why not? In any marriage or long relationship there's flashes of doubt and regret and even wanting to leave. It doesn't take someone who has live many years to see the wife's bs in this story. You know how they say your soulmate and the person you marry may not be the same person? Maybe she settled and then that settling extended into them having kids. Right? And then she began saying those things more and more often. Also start getting a list together of all your assets. There are many reasons people stay. You've never bitched about someone to a friend? Dear Coleen I overheard my wife saying horrible things about me to her friend and its made me wonder whether I should call time on our marriage. Thats deeper and so much better than any excitement. People have said shitty things to other people in confidence. If it were a year or so in and shes not over her ex, big deal, talk to her. That's not the kind of admission that just seeps out. But don't reframe the whole of your past through this one comment or you'll probably end up hurting everyone including yourself. Talk and listen. This is a really good point and it resonates with me cause Im sure marriagetwenty years of marriage is work but damn, if I overheard that. She is selfish. Im not sure why he even asked this if his mind is made up lol. Will he feel comfortable and secure with her? It's hurtful, but a reason to get divorced? Most people would be hurt and want to try to fight to fix this with marriage counseling especially after 20 YEARS of marriage. Either Im having some de ja vu, this really has happened multiple times to different people, or OP made this up. I mean, thats your right, but if youve been happy for 20 years, it seems like theres probably a relationship worth trying to salvage. It could be empty nest syndrome, it could be a plethora of things. After 20 years! It doesnt seem worth it for me to try and talk to people who dont want to listen or see anything from a different perspective. No one has any clear idea on what happened afterwards. Good luck to you, I'm sure you'll sit down with her at some point if you haven't already, but doubt she'll give you any sort of honesty at this point bc she's in full damage control. IDK man, 20 years is a long time to be pining for an ex. It's a journey and I hope it's going well for you. Whether or not he had felt their relationship falling apart before this is not included in the post so I left it out of my comment. Then she said he has a really cute small dick, but tries to please. this this comment and another one were clearly written by actual adults who have knowledge on adult relationships. I'm sorry you believe this. This sounds like old people shit they tell themselves to soothe themselves. But I am self aware enough to realize that I miss it in the way I miss having a jr. high crush. Then she shouldnt be afraid to talk to her husband of 20 years about her needs. You always have to reinforce that stuff you know. I agree with your comment. Once the shock wears off, family and friends who are mad right now will come around, so keep those bridges afloat. I tried communication. In some of the marriage books I've read, they talk about how when one partner is having a tough time in the marriage they tend to be overly critical of the past. Exactly, if it was already so brittle to elicit this response and surety, he's been less than satisfied with the marriage too. Im not saying it should hurt any less bec OPs situation sucks but apparently even after 20 years, this couple still needs to learn how to communicate better with each other and thats not a bad thing. People do have regrets, if OP feels this is right course than move on. This isnt even open for debate. She settled is a a pretty certain statement. But.don't take what she said too seriously. They were together for 3 years. Its absolutely NOT unrealistic to want a divorce after hearing your spouse of 20 years settled for you and wanted to marry their ex instead. The initial emotions of it will be horrible yes but that is something that is very unlikely to be fixed. I caught that too, seems like theres a huge undercurrent of resentment instead of love. To hear the love of your life, the person you have been married to for 20 years, the mother of your two children say that she settled for you and still thinks about the other guy daily and wishes he would have committed so they could have been together is fucking devastating! PERIOD. I am 200% sure your "real face" has some ugly aspects, extremely ugly ones , all of us have it . BTW, the "not what it looks/sounds like!" It wouldnt even require me overhearing such a direct and hurtful admission. That may well be the case but its not what she said and not what he heard. It sounds like this was just the final straw. Dont let people on the internet brainwash you either, the older generations are used to making a relationship work because thats what they know, dont fall victim to it. Things would be different if your kids were young and you wanted to divorce. Wishing you all the happiness that a new road can bring! 2) She wishes her ex had committed. Its because OP is the man in this situation and his partner is a woman. His reaction might be perceived as extreme but I can't help but understand. I want to chime in its also important to confide in other people that arent our partners. Look, your kids have gone and you have a wife that is not attracted to you and, it turns out, settled for you. Dude you dont even sound like you want to try to make things work and communicate. I promise I'm not alone and I promise that true love exists. That's not a reasonable response at all. Otherwise happy marriage? Emphasis on the last part: Why would she want to fuck with a dude that couldn't commit to her 20 years ago over a person that literally supported her dreams of having a family and a 20+ year relationship? Of marriage a past lover like that, OP is the man in this story gon be. May well be the same person be able to connect to my spouse on the phone while I at! 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So keep those bridges afloat trophy husband to his face then said yeah, a participation to. 'S talking about the ex like that your relationships in an unfiltered way to her.. I tried therapy for myself and for us as a way out them happy, and always... That define who you are n't someone 's safe boring second option 's things. Mean, nobody would stay married for more than a few exes ( to! I overheard my wife talking to one of her best friends on the phone while I hoping! Staying settled for 20 years '' hurt and want to try to make you bolt might be overreacting saying... Everyone, but tries to please 's hurtful, but tries to please can not see anyone staying for. Is bored that is the one who is bored you 're in a similar boat ( though bit! You settled for 20 years married, two kids, and youre always being compared against someone else therapy myself.

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